DO you fart in bed?

DO you fart in bed? 

IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME KNOW AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU. THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS. THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR. EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT. THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE CHRISTMAS DAY MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS, NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS, AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER. SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.. SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD. ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'. 'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE. 'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED. BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN!

11 Rules Of Life Success

11 Rules Of Life Success

RULE 1

Life is not fair - get used to it.

RULE 2

The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world

will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel

good about yourself.

RULE 3

You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out

of high school. You won't be a vice president with

car phone, until you earn both.

RULE 4

If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a

boss. He doesn't have tenure.

RULE 5

Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your

grandparents had a different word for burger flipping

they

called it Opportunity.

RULE 6

If you mess up,it's not your parents' fault, so don't

whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

RULE 7

Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as

they are now. They got that way from paying your bills,

cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about

how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest

from the parasites of your parent's generation, try

delousing the closet in your own room.

RULE 8

Your school may have done away with winners and losers,

but life has not. In some schools they have abolished

failing grades and they'll give you as many times as

you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the

slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

RULE 9

Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get

summers off and very few employers are interested in

helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.

RULE 10

Television is NOT real life. In real life people

actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

RULE 11

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for

one.

THE BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER!

Dear Wife, I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Her Reply: Dear Ex-Husband Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the 49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed 50.00 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Heck & Free! P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem..

OMG What Human Has Wished From God !!!!!

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

...The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years... How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Moral: Just enjoy your life that god gave you "gready human".

Value of Something For Others, That We Have But They Dont

One old man was sitting with his 25 years old son in the train.

Train is about to leave the station.

All passengers are settling down their seat.

As the train started the young man was filled with joy and curiosity.

He was sitting on the window side.

He went one hand out felling the passing air.

He shouted,” papa see all trees are going behind”.

Old man smile and admired son feelings.

Beside the young man one couple was sitting and listing all the conversation between father and son.

They were little awkward with the attitude of the 25years young man behaving like the small child.

Suddenly the young man again shouted,” Papa see the ponds and animals. Clouds are moving with the train.”

Couple was watching the young man embarrassingly.

Now it stars raining and some of the drops touch the young man’s hand.

He filled the joy and he closed the eyes.

He shouted again,” Papa it’s raining, water is touching m, see papa”.

Couple couldn’t help themselves and asked the old man.

“Why don’t you visit a doctor and get a treatment for your son?”

Old man said,” Yes we are coming from the hospital as today my son got his sight for the first time in his life”.



MORAL: Don’t draw conclusions until you know all the facts. !!

Footprint of LORD

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed
he was walking along the beach with the LORD.

Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand: one belonging
to him, and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.

He noticed that many times along the path of
his life there was only one set of footprints

He also noticed that it happened at the very
lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he
questioned the LORD about it:

"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow
you, you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me."
The LORD replied:
"My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you.

Moral: Tell Trouble that your LORD is with you.

Know Your Value

A well known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a Rs.1000 note. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this Rs.1000 note ?"

Hands started going up.

He said, "I am going to give this Rs.1000 note to one of you but first, let me do this." He proceeded to crumple (make wrinkle) the note .

He then asked, "Who still wants it?"

Still the hands were up in the air.

"Well," he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe.

He picked it up, now all crumpled and dirty. "Now who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air.
"My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth Rs.1000 . Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way.

Many a times the students think that they are contemptible and have again landed into the hands of the failure.

They feel as though they are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. You are special - Don't ever forget it!